The Most Wonderful Day of the Year

10th Annual Winter Solstice Story

I vowed that I wasn’t going to do this, that I just didn’t care anymore, that I wouldn’t rip my guts out putting my usual huge effort into it. Alas, I am weak. I can’t let you, my dear friends, acquaintances and people who intensely dislike me confront these dark winter nights alone. I must once again face the daunting task of fighting off the cruel intentions of life in the northern latitudes. I must weave yet another story around the Winter Solstice, if not for you then for myself.

This year’s has been called one of the nicest summers and falls ever experienced by we long suffering Minnesotans – and well deserved if I do say so myself. Long days and short nights with whispering breezes across our backyard. Idyllic days wasted on the dirty, rotten, expensive, frustrating game of golf . . . (Uh, sorry, disregard that last part.) Anyway, it was a marvelous year yet it is time to once again, as we do every year, say, “so what?” We still arrive back at this same meteorological – and metaphorical – crappy place in time as with every other year. A time of cold so penetrating (usually) that it obliterates our soul like a fair and balanced blast from Fox News. A darkness so long and endless that even a nanny state Democrat turns into a snarling, unforgiving animal. (Okay, okay so far winter has been really wimpy but this IS Minnesota and winter WILL come!)

This year instead of offering some amusing tale about the solstice itself or confirming that winter will indeed end I will take a more practical approach and provide advice on how to survive these long months of gloom and frigid boredom. 

Up to now, as far as I can tell, there are only two ways to get through our shared misery. First, (and this is one that I subscribe to) is to drink heavily. After all, with darkness coming so early shouldn’t we therefore take advantage of the early happy hour it provides? Everyday? Of course! The other major distraction from our pain is to embrace the cold! Enjoy the outdoors! Go skiing and skating and . . . whatever else weirdo’s do during the winter. (I leave this option to those of you who are more courageous than smart.)

This year there is another option: the upcoming presidential election. This offers us whole new opportunities to grind through the winter. We can play election games that will offer the distraction we need so that we won’t break into tears every time we crank up the furnace or pull on heavy coats or fall on our ass climbing over giant snow banks PLUS enhance our knowledge of the candidates.  So here we go!

How about election Jeopardy? 

Category: Great Communicators: For $100 and a weekend in Baudette MN, which candidate said “Yes, those are my emails – what does that have to do with a guy named Ben Gazi?” Remember answer has to be in the form of a question!

Bonus round – Category: Transportation: For $500 and an all expense paid trip to Hoboken, which candidate (hint- heavyset governor) said, “Tunnels?  There are tunnels to NYC from Jersey? Who knew?!” 

  

Or Wheel of Fortune. For a chance to win a set of snow chains for your tires, complete the following Jeb Bush sentence, “I_  my bro _ _er  _asn’_  such an i _ i _t   I’_  st  _ _ l  be a viable can_i _a _ e!”

Let’s Make a Deal. Come on down! We’ll give you Bernie Sanders and a $1000 tax increase or you can trade for the secret prizes behind the doors (Pssss – one has Rand Paul and the other has Rick Santorum.) Guess wisely!  

How about Science Bowl? Toss up question: How old is the earth? Ring! Yes, Dr. Carson? “Precisely 6321 years ago” Bzzz, nope.    Yes, Sen Cruz? “Who cares, that’s just a gotcha question by you liberal scientists and media!”

Dating Game - Carly Fiorino: "Candidate no. 2, would you sing to me? Behind the curtain Donald Trump says, "Of course, I have the greatest voice in the world! and starts singing "That face, that face that . . . interesting face."  

How about "Wait, Wait Don’t Tell Me."  Oh, never mind, that’s for the effete, NPR listening, erudite, leftie elites among you; snobs who think you’re better than the rest of us because you’re so called “well informed.” We KNOW who you vote for!

(Can’t answer any or most of these questions? Fear not, you have almost another year and countless lies to endure until the election so plenty of time to catch up.)

Anyway, see how much fun this is - and we barely did half the candidates! You can while away the hours with the kids or grand kids AND do your civic duty. Best of all? You can drink while doing this! In fact, I think the game gets better with a cocktail or two. Hopefully it will get you through to that distant but always looming sad day in June (when we can also update our games.)

So enjoy the Solstice, the happiest day of the year! No, please don’t thank me, it was my duty and pleasure. Happy Solstice, Happy Kwanza, Happy Festivus, Happy Holidays - Merry Christmas for you non-politically correct folks out there - and I hope it was a Great Hanukkah too. Now it’s sure to be a happy New Year now as well!

PS if you don't own the album pictured above get it ASAP - it's an oldie but you will play it forever.

D Roger Pederson, Your Winter Warrior